You Don’t Have to “Just Get On With It”: Preparing for Birth After a Difficult First Experience
If you’re pregnant again after a difficult or traumatic first birth, you may find that this pregnancy feels very different.
Alongside the excitement of expecting another baby, there may also be anxiety about giving birth again. Perhaps you’re worried that the same thing will happen. Maybe certain appointments, conversations or decisions bring back memories of your previous birth. Or perhaps you simply know that you want things to feel different this time, but you’re not quite sure how to make that happen.
You may even have been encouraged to put the experience behind you because you and your baby were physically well.
But a healthy baby doesn’t mean that your experience didn’t matter.
And you certainly don’t have to “just get on with it”.
Your Previous Birth Matters
There are many reasons why a birth can feel difficult, and sometimes women don't initially recognise what they experienced as birth trauma.
Perhaps labour took a very different course from the one you had expected. You may have had an induction, an assisted birth or an emergency caesarean. You may have felt frightened, out of control or unsure about what was happening.
Sometimes it isn’t the medical events themselves that stay with a woman. It’s how she felt during them.
Were you listened to? Did you understand what was happening and why? Did you feel involved in decisions? Did you have enough time to ask questions? Did you feel supported and cared for?
A birth can look perfectly straightforward in your medical notes and still have been a very difficult experience for you.
Recognising that is important.
Looking Back Before Looking Forward
You don’t need to spend your whole pregnancy revisiting your first birth, but understanding what felt difficult can help you work out what you need this time.
Some women find it helpful to request a birth debrief or talk through their previous birth with a midwife or another trusted professional. You may also be able to go through your maternity notes so that you better understand what happened and why certain decisions were made.
Then you can begin to think about this birth.
What are you most worried about happening again?
What would help you feel safer?
Are there particular situations that you know might make you anxious?
What would you like your partner or birth team to know?
And what choices might be available to you this time?
You don’t need to have all the answers. These conversations are simply a way of beginning to feel more prepared.
A Positive Birth Doesn’t Have to Be a Particular Kind of Birth
This is something I think is really important.
Preparing for a more positive birth doesn’t mean trying to create a “perfect” birth or guaranteeing that everything will go according to plan.
And a positive birth doesn’t have to mean a home birth, a water birth or giving birth without pain relief.
You might choose an epidural. You might have an induction. You may decide that a planned caesarean feels right for you.
What can make this birth feel very different is being informed about your options, being listened to, understanding what is happening and feeling that you are part of the decisions being made about you and your baby.
Birth can be unpredictable. Feeling supported through that unpredictability can make an enormous difference.
Preparing for Birth Again
There are practical things you can do during pregnancy to help you feel more prepared:
Talk through your previous birth and identify the things that concern you most.
Ask your maternity team questions about your options this time.
Think about any particular triggers or situations that may make you feel anxious.
Write flexible birth preferences rather than feeling that you need a rigid birth plan.
Learn some simple breathing, relaxation and comfort techniques.
Talk to your birth partner about how they can best support you.
Surround yourself with people who make you feel safe, heard and cared for.
And remember that you are allowed to ask questions.
If something is suggested during pregnancy or labour, you can ask why it is being recommended, what the benefits and risks are, whether there are alternatives and, where appropriate, what might happen if you wait.
How Can a Doula Help After a Difficult First Birth?
When I provide birth doula support to a woman who has had a difficult previous birth, one of the most important things I can do is listen.
I want to understand what happened last time, what you are worried about and what you would like to feel different this time.
During pregnancy, we have time to talk through your concerns, explore your options and think about the things that might help you feel safer and more prepared. I can help you think about questions you may want to ask your maternity team and support you in putting together birth preferences that reflect what matters to you.
And when labour begins, I’m already someone you know.
I’m there as a familiar, calm presence alongside you and your partner – helping you understand what is happening, reminding you of the things we have discussed during pregnancy and supporting you as circumstances change.
I don’t replace your midwife or medical team and I don’t make decisions for you.
My role is to support you while you make the decisions that feel right for you.
This Birth Is a New Experience
Being nervous about giving birth again doesn’t mean that your previous experience has to define this one.
You are going into this pregnancy with more knowledge about yourself, about birth and about the things that matter to you.
You can ask questions.
You can explore your options.
You can build a birth team around you that understands what you need.
And you can prepare for this baby’s birth in a way that feels right for you.
If you’re pregnant after a difficult or traumatic birth and would like to talk about how doula support could help you prepare for this birth, I offer a free, no-obligation discovery call.
It’s simply an opportunity for us to talk about your previous experience, what you’re hoping for this time and whether I might be the right person to support you.